“Help, I Hate the Fourth Trimester”, Now What?
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If you found this article at 2 am, after putting away your breast pump and curling up into bed, but for some reason, you can’t fall back asleep because you’re googling “Why do I hate the fourth trimester?” — then this article is for you.
I remember the days of new motherhood like it was yesterday. I remember coming home with my newborn baby (after spending a few days in the NICU), wondering how in the world was I now responsible for keeping this tiny little miracle alive, healthy, and thriving when I had NO idea what was in store for us.
I had heard it was hard and exhausting, but I didn’t fully understand WHY. And sometimes, we truly just don’t know what we don’t know until we experience it for ourselves. The fourth trimester was a little like that.
However, after having another child, I realized there were some key aspects of the postpartum period that many moms, mostly new moms, tend to overlook because it’s simply just not talked about in a way that feels relatable.
So, I hope this article can help you better understand the fourth-trimester experience along with helping you plan and prepare for it so that you don’t have to hate it the whole time.
This post may contain affiliate links from which I receive a commission if you click or make a purchase. In addition, the information on this site is NOT intended to be medical advice. Please seek professional medical care if needed. See my full policy for more information.
What is the fourth trimester?
The 4th trimester is the first three months postpartum or the 12 weeks immediately after birth, a time of intense physical recovery, emotional shifts, and sleepless nights for new parents as they adjust to life with a new baby. While the broader postpartum period includes the healing process after birth, the fourth trimester of pregnancy specifically highlights the unique challenges of the newborn stage—a time when both mom and baby are adapting to their new role.
During these early weeks, your body is still healing from delivery, whether you had a vaginal birth or a C-section. You might experience blood clots, pelvic floor weakness, high blood pressure, urinary incontinence, and major changes in your hormones.
Postpartum women often feel an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion from the lack of sleep due to erratic sleep schedules, and the constant demands of a newborn baby who needs to eat, be changed, and be soothed around the clock.
Many first-time moms are filled with postpartum anxiety by both the little and big things no one warns them about—like how breast milk doesn’t always come in right away, or how a baby home from the hospital feels more overwhelming without your nurse helping out… it’s a big transition to adjust to.
Why Does The Fourth Trimester Feel So Difficult?
After having my firstborn in the NICU after birth, I remember feeling so elated when we were able to bring him home. It was this feeling of finally being able to be a family. However, I wasn’t prepared for the immense changes to our lives that were about to begin.
As a mom who had been open to bottle feeding (both formula and breast milk), I felt this urge to commit to breastfeeding and when my milk didn’t come in for a few days, it really threw me for a loop. It not only came in very slowly, but my son wasn’t gaining as much weight which added more stress for me. This is just to highlight a small portion of the changes moms can experience that make those first 12 weeks after birth feel difficult.
Many moms may also find themselves feeling like they aren’t doing enough or aren’t a good mother. While we know this isn’t true, the truth is that navigating these new changes and challenges can often feel very isolating, making us moms doubt ourselves a lot in these situations.
Another common challenge I see new moms face in the fourth trimester is comparing their journey to someone else’s. For example, some moms feel disheartened because they have breastfeeding struggles while other moms can breastfeed without any issues at all. And that’s just not fair to do to yourself.
Lastly, when you’re a new mom, it feels like there’s a point where someone, somewhere will come waltzing in with some unsolicited advice you most certainly didn’t ask for. This can also lead to feelings of frustration and self doubt, so I encourage you to get familiar and comfortable with setting boundaries with people like that in your life real quick.
What Are Some Common and Uncommon Challenges of Caring for a Newborn?
In those first 12 weeks postpartum, new parents will face many changes they’ll have to work and adjust through. So, let’s break down a few of them so you can start thinking ahead about how to prepare for these challenges should they arise.
1. Sleep Deprivation Feels Endless
The early days with a newborn baby mean an erratic sleep schedule and exhausting middle of the night feedings. It can take a long time for your baby to adjust to day and night time, leaving you in survival mode for the first month or more. The good news? Babies eventually learn to sleep longer stretches, and you’ll both slowly get some more rest over time.
2. Breastfeeding Can Be Tougher Than Expected
For many first-time parents, learning to breastfeed is one of the enormous transitions of the fourth trimester with lots of challenges of its own. Mom is trying to figure out how to get the hang of things and dads are often unsure how they can offer support.
If your baby struggles with latching, has reflux, or needs skin to skin contact to stay calm, getting baby a full feed can feel utterly (no pun intended) exhausting. A lactation consultant is a great place to start for support — they’re trained to help you with everything from establishing a solid latch, and breast pumping, to finding a comfortable feeding position and more.
3. Postpartum Depression and Anxiety Can Sneak Up on You
The concept of the fourth trimester isn’t just about your baby—it’s about postpartum care for you, too. Between high expectations, hormone fluctuations, and the lack of sleep, postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety can creep in and really take over the show.
If you find yourself feeling more down than usual, contemplating whether you’re a good mom, or feeling excessively worried about your baby’s every move, consider those the signs that you could be dealing with a little bit of postpartum depression and/or anxiety.
The bottom line? Talking to someone is crucial, you don’t need to suffer in silence. I promise it’s nothing to feel ashamed about, many of us have gone through it, including myself! Reaching out to healthcare providers or a social support network can make a major difference in your mental health.
4. Understanding Your Baby’s Cries Takes Time
Newborns cry—a lot—and it can be hard to tell if they’re hungry, tired, or just want you to gently snuggle and rock them for comfort. It’s easy to feel like you’re making a huge mistake when nothing seems to soothe them, but over the whole months ahead, you’ll start to recognize their patterns.
The good news? No one knows your baby better than you do, even when it doesn’t feel that way. Get ready to lean in and trust those instincts, mama.
5. Social Media Can Add A Lot of Pressure
Scrolling through Instagram accounts of seemingly well-rested, put-together moms can make you feel like you’re failing. But real life with a newborn is messy, exhausting, and full of little things that don’t always make the highlight reel.
The best way to protect your mental health — unfollow accounts that make you doubt yourself (and you know which ones I’m talking about). They’re the ones you stop to watch and instantly feel a rush of guilt and doubt loom over you — hit the unfollow button and don’t look back.
Then, go surround yourself with real, supportive moms who get it, they will become your village and you will never regret that.
6. You Might Feel a Little ‘Touched Out’
Your baby may want to be held every single moment of the day, which can make it hard to eat, shower, or even sit down. And know that it is COMPLETELY NORMAL for them to want that. Thus, a reliable baby carrier can be a lifesaver, offering plenty of time for bonding while freeing up your hands. This is especially helpful for second-time moms managing a toddler alongside a newborn.
So if you find yourself feeling a little touched out, take that as a sign of your body telling you it’s time to check in with yourself. Have you refilled your cup? Probably not if you’re in those early newborn days devoting your existence to your baby. Take 5 minutes to breathe, journal, step into a hot shower — whatever you need to do to release that tension, and feel a little whole again.
7. Family Members May Offer Too Much (or Too Little) Help
Some family members will overwhelm you with advice, while others might not offer any help when you need it most. Balancing family life and setting boundaries can be one of the toughest parts of the first weeks. The best thing you can do is communicate your needs clearly and accept help, when it’s truly helpful, of course.
A deeper note on family dynamics: I never really had that “village” of family members coming by the house to help when our son was born, nor do I have it 5-6 years later. I encourage you as a new mom to talk to your partner or a therapist about how this might leave you feeling. It’s so important to work through those feelings so they don’t leave you feeling frustrated and stuck.
Don’t forget, you can always build your own village of support.
8. Recovering from Birth Can Take Longer Than Expected
The American College of Obstetricians states that postpartum care should be ongoing, but many first-time moms are surprised by how long healing takes. Whether it’s pelvic floor weakness, blood flow issues, or lingering pain, full recovery can take days to weeks postpartum.
This ongoing recovery period can impact your ability to care for your newborn baby, especially if you’re dealing with physical or health complications post-birth. It’s a time to be incredibly mindful of how you exert the minimal energy you have while prioritizing your own recovery.
In other words, say yes to help even if you feel like you can do it yourself.
9. The Reality of Parenting a Colicky Baby
Some newborn babies cry for hours despite being fed, changed, and soothed, which can make anyone feel like they’re losing their mind a little. It’s one of the toughest bits of the early weeks, and it can test even the most patient parents.
A pediatrician, postpartum doula, or lactation consultant are great experts to contact and can offer practical advice on things like reflux, gas, and feeding positions that could bring relief until your baby grows out of this difficult stage.
So why do some babies get colic? Unfortunately, there isn’t a clear-cut answer. However, what we do know is that babies with colic may be struggling with:
- GI (gastrointestinal) Sensitivities — This could be due to a sensitivity to milk or formula, being gassy, or actual illness.
- Struggling to adapt to life out of the womb — We know children are different, and it’s no different for babies. Some babies have a harder time adjusting to life out of the womb, which can lead to irritability and lots of crying as they adjust.
- Lack of sleep — Newborn babies sleep a lot. Some babies, however, when they’re crying and uncomfortable miss out on those hours of sleep, leading to more irritability.
10. Some Babies Struggle to Stay Full
Whether due to a shallow latch, tongue tie, or slow digestion, some babies struggle to get a full feed, leading to longer stretches of fussiness and a whole lot of HANGRY. The magic number of ounces needed per feeding isn’t the same for every baby, and sometimes formula supplementation is needed.
If you think your baby is struggling to get a full feed, it’s best to contact a lactation consultant as they can guide you to help you navigate these challenges. If the issue is due to a medical concern, you should absolutely follow up with your child’s pediatrician as soon as possible.
Around here, the bottom line is we’re all about making sure your baby is fed and getting adequate nutrients, no matter if it’s breast milk or baby formula.
11. You Might Not Feel an Instant Bond with Your Baby
I wish I could tell you that every mom will feel an instant bond with her baby, but the reality is that not every first-time parent experiences overwhelming love the first time they hold their baby, and that’s okay.
Between postpartum depression, exhaustion, and the major change to your identity, bonding can take a little bit of time. Skin to skin contact and daily cuddles can help, but know that love grows in many ways.
When you’re feeding your baby and you look down to catch their little eyes gazing into yours, when their tiny hand offers a gentle squeeze to your finger, or when they look at you and sneak in a little grin — those are the moments compiled together that will slowly build your bond with one another.
12. Sleep Training Is a Controversial Topic
By the end of the fourth trimester, many parents start wondering about sleep training. Some swear by it, while others believe it’s not necessary. The best way to approach it? Learn about different methods and decide what aligns with your parenting style and your baby’s temperament.
As a parent who did a modified sleep training with my first baby and NO sleep training with my second, I can tell you that after all these years, it didn’t make that much of a difference. If anything, for me, sleep training really heightened my anxiety as a new mom listening to her baby scream and cry (even for short intervals at a time).
I wish I had leaned into my instincts more than relying on a sleep expert, but I did use a different approach with my second child and I’m glad I did.
13. The Last Time Comes Faster Than You Expect
It’s easy to get lost in the exhaustion of the early days, but every phase—good or bad—has a last time before it passes. The sleepless nights, the newborn smell, the way they fit perfectly in your arms—it all changes in a short time.
I don’t say this to invalidate your in the moment experience. I say it so you can acknowledge the hard parts, while still finding ways to cherish the special time with your newborn baby, even when it’s hard.
The Fourth Trimester & Mom’s Emotional Health — What You Need To Know
It won’t matter if you’re someone who has never ever dealt with anxiety, depression, or any kind of ‘mental’ health issues, you could STILL find yourself dealing with these issues after birth. All thanks to those raging postpartum hormones.
In fact, about 15-20% of women experience significant symptoms of anxiety or depression (SOURCE)
What are some of the postpartum emotional issues a mom could be dealing with?
- Baby Blues (this one will go away on its own, if it doesn’t, it will usually turn into one of the issues listed below).
- Postpartum Anxiety
- Postpartum Depression (One thing most people don’t know is that PPD can be prevented with knowledge and actionable steps)
- Postpartum Rage
- Postpartum OCD
- Postpartum PTSD
- Postpartum Psychosis (this is considered the WORST form of postpartum mental health disorders. If you are experiencing this, please call the Postpartum Support International Helpine at 1-800-944-4773)
To learn more about each one of these postpartum mood disorders, you can check out the following resources:
- Mommy’s First Year (Maternal Mental Health Bundle created by a licensed clinical psychologist and certified clinical trauma specialist)
- All about Postpartum Mood Disorders
- Postpartum Support International
- Postpartum Health Alliance
Practical Preparation for The Fourth Trimester Postpartum Period
I said this earlier in the article, but there is no one right way to prepare for your fourth trimester. Childbirth alone can bring unexpected changes (like maybe you were planning for a vaginal delivery and ended up having a cesarean or maybe your newborn had to be taken to the NICU).
One of the hardest parts of my postpartum experience wasn’t anything I could have physically prepared for. It was being separated from my baby immediately after birth because he had aspirated fluid (meconium) and needed to stay in the NICU while I was recovering from a PROM (premature rupture of membranes) infection. That was the hardest part for me.
Looking back, I had wished I knew more about the birth complications that could arise because maybe, just maybe I could have been a little more emotionally prepared, but we’ll never know for sure. What I do know, is that if we can bring ourselves to a place of open expectations, we can allow ourselves to be ready for just about anything — even when it’s least expected.
With that said, let’s look at some actionable ways you can prepare yourself to take on the fourth trimester.
Fourth Trimester Preparation Tips
- Begin your emotional healing, long before postpartum aka: Therapy.
- So many of us wait to begin that emotional healing process until after we have children because the truth is, it’s way easier to suppress our feelings when we’re not having them mirrored back at us through our children.
- If you can, start unpacking those things early — such as during pregnancy so that you’re not dealing with it all hitting you like a brick wall postpartum.
- Prepare some meals in advance.
- Preparing some healthy freezer meals and quick meals you can warm up and eat will be a game changer during those early days. Check out some of my favorite postpartum meal prep recipes right here!
- Discuss your roles and expectations with your partner before baby arrives.
- It will be very easy to get lost with your partner during the postpartum stage, meaning, you’ll both feel disconnected and on different teams.
- The easiest way to get ahead of this is to start having open discussions long before the baby arrives. Think about ways you can help and support one another, what does that look like? Who will be responsible for making sure the bills are paid? Who will take on the night feedings or will you be able to split them? How can you show each other you’re still a priority even if it’s through a small gesture? Those are just a few things to think about.
- Stock up on postpartum supplies. Check out our postpartum shopping list to ensure you have all the essentials you need!
- Create a HELP list. HELP: Heal, Encourage, Listen, & Practical Support. Write each letter down in a space, and fill it in with either friends, family, your partner, or professionals you can rely on during this period. You can think of it as a quick resource to use whenever you need help. For example:
- Heal: this includes support from postpartum professionals or those who prioritize your recovery.
- Encourage: these will be people who you know will encourage you through the tough moments without judgment.
- Listen: this includes anyone in your life who will listen to your needs and concerns without minimizing your feelings or experiences.
- Practical Support: you’ll want to write down the names of people who will step in when you need it most—whether it’s bringing food, watching the baby, or helping with older kids.
- Prepare your baby’s sleep space.
- Breastfeeding moms: take a breastfeeding class. A quality breastfeeding class can prepare you for the most common issues such as latching, finding a comfortable nursing position, understanding your milk flow, and more!
- Tighten up any last minute to-do’s. Such as packing your hospital bag, setting up baby’s crib, etc…
- Stock up on household supplies.
- If you’re a mom in the workforce, you’ll also want to be sure you have a plan as to when you’ll return to work, whether or not you’ll be pumping at work so you can ensure you know your rights, and make sure any unsettled paperwork is taken care of before baby’s arrival.
The fourth trimester is challenging, there’s no doubt about it, but if you find yourself feeling like “I hate the fourth trimester“, just remember it is also a special time of bonding and growth as you take on the role of a mother. Some days, you might need a good cry, while other days, you’ll have a good day where things feel a little bit easier.
Whether you’re on your first baby or your second child, this period is temporary. It won’t last forever, and by the end of the fourth trimester, you’ll start to find your rhythm. Take it one step at a time, lean on your social support network, and don’t hesitate to ask for help—because even the best thing you’ve ever done can still be the toughest bit.
